false dreams?

I've been sifting in my thoughts lately, it's been hard to determine what exactly that means...A lot has been going on in my world lately. Many changes have begun to take place. I am about to graduate from my 2-year journalism program. It seems to of gone sooo fast!! Crazy I mean I just remembered graduating from highschool as if it were yesterday!
This journey I am about to embark on is far from over and is rather more challenging then I had thought. Well, I have wanted to write all my life and journalism was as close to an educational diploma I could get with writing. I enjoyed it I guess, I just found it wasn't what I had thought it would of been like no opion no creative words etc. It's not quite my cup of tea as a writer. I like to distinguish myself amongst the emotional dwelling poems I write. I still hope to do something with my journalism diploma now that's just the thing...what to do!
There is hardly any work in that world with low pay. And not to mention I don't really agree upon the fact as it being something I can see myself doing for most of my life. I enjoy helping people, I like making a difference in someones life knowing I am helping. I've been told I am very good at it, I helped prevent my best friend from committing suicide so I guess it is a sign? Right!?
So I decided to apply to the 3-yr program of child and youth worker. This being said, I have my journalism diploma why take on another program? I belive I will get much more out of helping children then I will with writing meaningless thoughtless articles for the rest of my life. But I don't want to make the wrong choice. I want to keep up writing and not loose myself to something I'm not as good at.
I guess I am just doubtful and insecure of my abilities....sighs...
I also have been having odd dreams pointing out my insecuties and my need to find my inner child. Does this have something to to with school? Does this mean I have to let go of something? HELP!
Maybe I just am dwelling far to much on the idea of my future. It's hard you know, you're 20 one day then the next you are turning older. Everyday we age, I hate to think that but it's true. Life is far to short to spend time worrying. I believe self-discovery is all I need. I do hope I am making the right choice. This is all so hard!!
URghhh!!!

reading week gone astray

Lately I've been finding myself in such a slum. Reading week was supposed to be about relaxing before enduring those tortuous 6 wks of placement. I instead spent the entire week in a ramshackle of stress and anxiety.
So here's the thing: I toured my very hopeful college St Lawrence in hopes it would be as awesome as it was said to be. Well, the program is decent it's the location. Would I really want to go to school somewhere even more spread out and barricaded then Sudbury? The answer is no! So, with almost all hope lost...I find myself underestimating my ability to even peruse a child and youth worker. If I am having this much trouble with colleges is it worth it? Cambrian has been a great school, but I feel so depressed living in Sudbury. I have severe anxiety which doesn't help things. Maybe a change would be good. I am going to stay away from the north I think as much as possible. I am looking into georgian college. It's about 40 -50 minutes from home, might not be so bad. I at least have more options the closer home I am. It's all in the air. I guess I just have to stop day dreaming and just puncture that bubble.

more rant about jornalism...

So as we continue... as previously noted journalism is slowly being cut from colleges across Ontario. Sad isn't it? I feel as if I wasted my money. What good is doing a program where there is no employment in the end? :( Through highschool I was told I was a good writer. Writing has been a part of me since I was 6. I can't imagine a place without words or a notebook with just blank pages.
I live to write, writing is what I do best. Taking journalism may of been in a way a waste of time as it's not what I will continue to do in the future but it's also taught me a lot. I know how to properly write an article with facts, be unbiased, and I gained great research skills. My writing has also improved quite tremendously! I know how to write with better detail, and desribe something directly to the point of the reader.
Journalism...you may of lost your sight but I do hope employment will still be in freelancing. Who wouldn't want to read a magazine?

the writers lost light

Hello dear ones (those who actually read my work) lol...I apologize for the delay...magazine deadline has kept me on my toes for a majority of my time. It's steadily going through the editing process as I speak. *fingers crossed it's good*
This post is not about my magazine article. It's another angry rampage on journalism! Two weeks ago our graduating class was told 11 journalism programs across Ontario was cut! Cambrian is now the only north eastern college to offer journalism! Ekks!
(have to get going more blogging to come!)

sweet love

Ahh Valentines day! Some people see it as just another ridiculas holiday in which hallmark & other card companies try to make money off of. I on the other hand, charish such a holiday. I love romance!! Even when I was "single" I enjoyed the whole concept of honouring a loved one.
But...if you feel the need to only say "I love you" and show it to your loved one just on Valentines day then, well you have relationship issues!! My boy shows me the same amount of love as he would on any day other then Valentines day (he really loves me!)
It's great to know someone loves and cares for you as much as they say and show. :) Love is simple, you can't buy love you can't symbloloze love by producing sexual favours for someone who just doesn't feel the same you have to know in your heart what's right.
My valentines day was magical and romantic. He took me out to dinner, and bought me a season of Glee & pink roses! :) I cherish this boy more than anything. We have our differences but I mean, we seem to work through them and are almost perfect for each other!

Rants!

Hello dear friends if there are any who may look or follow this blog...haha!
I've deprived myself from blogging only because I've needed to get caught up with other things I had lingering over my head due to that horrible sickness I became engulfed in..yuckkk!
Last night I had to attend a horrible 3 hr council meeting for a writing assingment. I heard politicicans just rambeling on about issues I still don't quite understand. Oh Sudbury leave it to you to have such a widespread city with hardly any good businesses. It's called be creative for once!!
I need to get out of there...I feel much to baracaded...seriously!! After almost 2 years of living here...you would understand.
On the plus side, my fam jam is coming to visit this wkend. I look foward to seeing them as sometimes I do just get a tad homesick. At least I have the boy; <3 I miss my friends back home! It's really hard to make friends here when everyone is "french" and rather rude & bitchy.
Sudbury, you are beautiful in the summer but please, get more creative with your businesses. No one wants to see the same boring Wallmart day after day...
Maybe Kingston is the top of my priority list right now? I mean...it's highly enriched with history & ghost stories! Not to mention my favourite artist Avril Lavigne lives 30 mins away from there. It would be a 3 hr drive compared to 4.
So much to think about so little time!!

distorted thoughts;

Do you ever feel distorted and obligated to the obvious? Do you ever feel picture perfect in ones eyes but not you owns? Do you ever feel worthless and insecure? Do you ever feel like anything and everything you ever dreamed for and ever wanted is nothing but complete and udder context?
Do you ever feel like re-thinking everything you had ever done and putting it inside a box to light a match on?
I over think until there is a lost cause. I think out of boundaries. I fear the worst. I believe there is no happy ending until you meet the rough end, then you will find true happiness.
There will always be selfish unworthy people in this world. No matter how hard you strive in ones friendship the other will never meet you halfway. There are no happy songs without suffering. Nothing is ever easy until you see it and believe it.
Breathe in every young teenage breath you have, relive every moment you ever wanted. Never give up on the things that matter most.
Love to be loved, never forget who you are. Never obligate what you have for someone or something which isn't worth it in the end.

Fragile Heart

when we find someone we hesitate to trust. My first instinct has always been to openly give my heart to another challenging my emotions as to whether I crumble or, I will withstand the fall. Recently, I've embarked on hesitation.
Love is such a fragile word, my heart is not an object to swing around.
If you love me and you say these words as you do, please don't swing me on a pendulum. I met you for a reason, you were the answer to my emptiness. You made me believe I was actually beautiful, and someone special. You reflected my image, and brought so much happiness and meaning to my life.
Please don't change the meaning of this relationship. I feel so emotionless and confused right now. When you say those words, please do me a favor make me believe it is for real and I'm not just your special "friend."

choices

seriously, I want to be happy with whatever I do in life. I'm still young and my dreams are still achievable. I've dreamed of writing since I was 6 years old, journalism was as close as I would ever get to an actual paying job in the field. I discovered that you have to be emotionless to be a journalist which is almost completely impossible for me. Journalism is all about covering the hard-core facts and reporting the truth, nothing creative about it. It's hard to simply turn away from writing since I've come so far. My parents are upset with my decision to not become a full-time working journalist. I'm tryingg to get the point across it's not what I want or see myself doing, and not only that..the employment rate is shit right now for journalists and it's VERY competitive to get a job. I would much rather freelance, at least I would keep up with my writing. Now, my other goal which my parents are upset with me doing is child & youth worker. I've always wanted to make a difference in a childs life, maybe even travel to 3rd world countries. But of course...1 day at a time. So, it's a 3 year bach. program and my parents think I am just wasting my time and money seeing as I have my journalism degree and should just work as that. They really don't "understand" my decison. Three years isn't so bad right? I really can't turn away from another passion I am good at.,..helping teenagers & children. I just am having second thoughts about all of this..I hope it's possible to attain 2 jobs? Freelancing shouldn't take entirely too much of my time...writing is always apart of me. I just hope I am making the right choice. We are told to follow our hearts but, it's hard to say what mine feels because it is in 2 different places. To do or not to do that is the question!

sick sick sick!

As a child, I was consistently sick. So sick, I would miss school by weeks sometimes which led me to be homeschooled for a year and repeat gr 3 :(! I built up such an amazing immune sysyem that now, it's almost impossible to get sick. Sometimes it catches up with me..today...for example! Ah well, will hopefully be better soooon! :)

New light to journalism...maybe...

I was meaning to blog the other night, but I became much too overwhelmed with me studies! Stories, journals etc... I've been pretty down and unmotivated about journalism lately, it doesn't help being stuck in some program where you don't find much interest in or, can see yourself doing something entierly different with your life. But, a mirical I believe is starting to happen. Since, I began my blogging journey, I seem to be getting great compliments from my profs and A-s!! can you believe it!? Cs to As?! I must not flaunt toooo much but I am proud of my success. Journalism is starting to become easier! Maybe this is a whirlwind effect? Before I fall to another passion I must pick up something where I last left off. Sure, I will freelance if that has much hope in today's world.....Anyways, just thought I would spread some of my pride! :D

ewwww sleep!

it's silly to lay wide awake at night. But sleeping is only for the mortals. I believe I must be part vampire, pale face hates sleeping at night? hmmm...I must be insane! But aren't we all mad here? Only 1 "class" tmr pftt catching the bus for almost nothing...listening in on another "story meeting"...can't wait for this to be over!!! :P

Moments of lust & memories

I spend a majority of my time daydreaming in a world of aching memories. I spend my time listening to repeated Taylor Swift songs over and over again. Why? I love lust, such a fragile word, interpertating so many things for me. Some memories I almost lived, others I wish to forget. I have love, but no matter how much love you have in your life, you will always ache for those lustful memories. Just as I put my puzzle pieces together, there will always be missing and broken ones. We're fragile, and small. Our hearts flutter only for brief moments before breaking into dawn again. </3
Memories forever engraved.

hello and welcome to my blog!

I finally decided to create my own blog. Since in the near future I will decide to freelance, thought this would be a great way to get started as a young writer. My alice twin and lovely friend Trina inspired me, after reading a few of her blogs. Her writing is fresh and full of energy! :) I am not sure what you will be expecting to see of my blog, I am a random writer and as most writers can relate I stumble across blocks and curves every so often. I guess I will use this blog to post my feelings, and I suppose some writing along the way :) You know you can always check out the journalism website I write for at school: http://theshield.cambriancollege.ca/Pages/default.aspx :P I do strive hard in my writing, but journalism is another far fetched idea of mine. It has nothing to do with what I am feeling, I can't feel anything for it. Sure, you get to travel and see things others may not, but it takes away from my opinion and feelings...it's just to frusturating!! :( Maybe one day I can get a novel published or some poems. One day maybe I will be someone :P "a writer" ahh the glory!